You can't go forward, can't go back, don't know where to go or how. Being stuck is a common problem that brings people to seek my attention.

Ben is a middle-aged man, in his late forties. He has located my web- site and has contacted me via e-mail. We schedule a phone appointment, during which time I am able to ask intake questions and get a sense of who Ben is. He agrees to send me an autobiographical sketch with information he thinks will help me know him better. In this case he faxes the material, but at other times people have used e-mail.

On the phone, Ben tells me that he's stuck. He feels heavy hearted, anxious and helpless. He's too agitated to recognize his depression.

I tell Ben that feeling stuck is a powerful signal to change. We agree to meet once a week for a fifty minute session. We will use the phone at first and then alternate with e-mail. Ben lives too far away to get to my office regularly.

Ben has a commonly held view that his self is a static and formed entity; that he carries it around and cannot, despite his best efforts at this time, meet its needs.

The fact is that the self is in process, the result of a series of life experiences, always in the making and always available for change.

"So, Ben," I say, "there's hope. All is not lost. Your self is not fixed; it is constantly altered as it bounces up against the world in which you find yourself."

The notion that the self changes and grows helps lighten Ben's sense of being stuck.

When you're stuck, the question to ask is, what's in the way?

Ben says what's in the way is his wife. She refuses to move, in spite of the fact that he wants to live elsewhere. It's his wife's fault; and, by the way, it's also the fault of his boss who has withheld Ben's well-deserved promotion .

"Ben," I say, "do you hear what I hear? Do you hear the sound of your voice as you blame your circumstance on others?"

"Yes, but it's true," he tells me.

Ben is not unlike most of us. We generally look outside to define the problem, and to find a solution. My job is to help Ben locate the source from within, where the problem resides and will continue to resurface until it's defused.

The feeling most often at the root of being stuck is resentment. If you are resentful, you are stuck. Likewise, if you feel guilt, check out who or what you resent. Guilt and resentment are opposite sides of the same coin. What's unspoken that wants to be expressed will always make you uncomfortable.

Ben could not find his anger, let alone express it. He believed it was not in his nature to be angry; an unfortunate lesson from childhood.

But anger is powerful and most destructive when left unexpressed. Unexpressed, it is powerful enough to block your life. Ben couldn't get it out or let it go. That's what stuck is about.

I recommend that Ben imagine a person in his mind's eye (someone significant in his life, like mother, father, boss or wife) and allow himself to express his anger boldly to that person. He writes his indignation on paper at first, in the form of a letter. Later he is able to shout it out loud during our phone session.

"Dare to express your anger and then find the demand behind your resentment," I tell Ben." Take it a step further, and make that demand in the form of an order."

"SHUT UP, AND DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" comes over the phone lines.

Ben feels strangely better; lighter, somehow freer. .

It remains for Ben to acknowledge that he feels more than resentment for his father. If that had been all there was between them, Ben would have dropped the man from his life long ago. It's the complexity of conflicting feelings that generate the "stuckness".

I ask Ben to replace the word resentment with appreciation."I appreciate you, Dad," I hear him say, and the voice on the other end of the phone trembles.

Moments pass in a silent space for tears. Then comes the relief of letting go. Something has shifted inside Ben. Something is moving toward completion.

Resentments represent the unfinished situations in our lives and they are the most important signals of an impasse - of being stuck.

Elaine Z Mosher PhD

The cases in point which appear in this column do not represent any particular individual or couple, but are a composite representation of people with relevant life issues. Similarities with actual people are coincidental.

©1999 Elaine Mosher

Cases in Point: Archive