From the moment your child is born, an irrevocable connection is formed. No matter how old the child gets, your approval or lack thereof remains deeply important.

It's the single most powerful relationship in life. Whether it's healthy or not, your parenting lays the foundation for all other relationships, as well as generating the core of your child's self- esteem. It's simply the most significant thing you'll ever do, with the most long lasting consequences. But, the business of parenting is time-bound.

Your job is to do yourself out of a job; provide roots and then wings.

Active parenting claims a good twenty years of your life, and most of us lovingly give hearts and minds, time, money and soul generously to the process. Then, however gradually, we are supposed to let go.

There are the brutal teen years when we learn slowly and hesitatingly to get out of the way. Those are the praying years; hoping they get home safely, that the designated driver is really sober and that your kid is able to say no. Eventually, our progeny graduates or reaches the age of consent.

He can drive a car, and vote, and even go to war on our behalf. We never stop being a parent, but when does the active parenting stop?

Active parenting is about taking responsibility for a youngster's behavior. Who wakes her up in the morning, in time to get to school? Who makes sure the homework is done, and who worries about preparation for a test, or when the book report is due? Who sends for college application forms and who fills them out? It's shocking how many parents put themselves in charge, out of self-interest or a need to control. With all good intentions, we can disable the kids we love.

Better to send the message that you have confidence in your offspring's ability to manage his daily life, and to make reasonable decisions ( even if you harbor some real doubts).

Keep your eye on the sparrow. You're working toward their independence. Your job is to help the kid feel competent and able.

Now it's probably true that she is still living at home and that you are still both legally and financially responsible. There continue to be times to inform and recommend, sharing your viewpoint and even your preferences; but this young person is a formed individual by now, whose choices must be respected, even when we disagree; even when we are uncomfortable.

This is the time when the operative word is respect. Above all, you want your child to know she is honored and loved just as she is. Find a way to deal with whatever disappointment you feel, when her choices and views don't coincide with yours. This effort is what respect is made of. It will take you through the lifetime of this relationship and will matter more, in the long run, than any issues about which you momentarily disagree.

We never stop being their parents, but active parenting must give way to letting go. Sometimes a family will try to hold on to its integrity by remaining ever present and all too figural in a grown kid's life. A dependency develops that runs two ways. One senses a fear that without keeping the child central, the family will dissolve. Some parents have been Mom and Dad so long, they can't imagine who else they may be to each other, and what will give meaning and purpose to their lives at this point.

The defense for holding on is an insistence that the grown child isn't ready. The truth is that readiness must be encouraged, but it needs to be encouraged in an unambivalent way.

Sabotaging independence can happen from lack of awareness, perhaps unconsciously, in the service of postponing the next step in the life of each member of the family. Moving on is frightening when you don't know where to go.

There's a time to redefine our selves beyond parenting, finding who we have become while we weren't looking.

Elaine Z Mosher PhD

The cases in point which appear in this column do not represent any particular individual or couple, but are a composite representation of people with relevant life issues. Similarities with actual people are coincidental.

©1999 Elaine Mosher

Cases in Point: Archive