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Bridging the Gap About Family Dynamics None of us lives our life in a vacuum. Most of us divide our lives, keeping some of it for ourselves and sharing a greater or lesser part with others. Our pleasure in life, the extent to which we experience happiness, depends to a large extent on our interpersonal relationships. Our first lessons are learned at home. In childhood, life is inextricably tied to the family, but it's in adulthood that we can reflect consciously on those ties and how they bind. At the core of family dynamics, and health, for that matter, is the business of how conflict is managed. How parents view and manage conflict is at the heart of family life. One thing is certain, conflict means the family is alive. If we expected it as natural and welcomed the challenge we would be prepared for good working relationships in all aspects of life. The fact that conflict has a bad reputation is unfortunate. Attempts to control conflict always fail and sadly result in a progressive deterioration in contact. We watch ourselves manipulate, coerce, compromise unduly, and deny, simply to avoid or reduce the intensity of conflict, thereby driving it underground, only to have it resurface in convoluted ways at inconvenient moments. The unity of the family is founded on meeting common needs and satisfactions, both physical and psychological. The family is in fact a product of social evolution. It is not the same today as it once was, and we watch it rapidly changing still. Today's family is not even defined in terms of genetic history. It is freer in every respect, as a consequence of changes in the society at large. The family needs to be a dynamic and changing unit even as it remains stable, a challenge to say the least. Conflict emerges when elders hold firm to a vision of the family as static. They are likely to believe that all members of the family are the same kind of people. This view of sameness presumes that all members will share the same attitudes, politics and choose a similar way of life. When Simone goes home for Thanksgiving, she goes home with a fantasy expectation of getting some satisfaction. Her aging parents covet the same hope. But they have still not forgiven her divorce. Simone broke the family record of marital loyalty and as a direct consequence, she experiences herself as the scapegoat, punished for choosing the unfamiliar path. Various members of her family have assumed the role of critic. Each has self-selected this role at one time or another, through the shared unconscious emotional process that binds the family. This role punishes the offending member, Simone in this case, because her life choice is seen as a menace to family continuity. How then is it possible for Simone to emerge intact and still remain a part of the family? This year Simone has taken time to explore. She has made herself privy to their dynamics. Still, what we have described is part of a theoretical model, and the actuality of being in the midst of her family's prejudice against her is daunting. She will have to make a different approach this time or withdraw from the family in a more permanent way. She has often threatened to disconnect from them but the abandonment cuts both ways. Family is family. Bridging the gap requires that Simone consciously move herself out of the role of scapegoat. She may find that she is motivated sufficiently to become the" family healer", turning the attack away from herself. She may choose to bring her pain to the table in a non-accusing manner, requesting support. She may open a dialogue on family dynamics, sharing some of what she has learned. She could take her sister into confidence and gain an ally. In any case, Simone is coming to dinner better equipped this year. With her rests the promise of hope and change. On a very good day, one member can raise the level of functioning of the entire family unit. Elaine Z Mosher PhD The cases in point which appear in this column do not represent any particular individual or couple, but are a composite representation of people with relevant life issues. Similarities with actual people are coincidental. ©1999 Elaine Mosher Cases in Point: Archive Home || Contact Background ||  Fee Schedule Types of Consultation ||  Confidentiality Approach

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