Mostly, Sally believes that the financial burden of child raising will fall on her and her resentment is understandable. She perceives of herself as trapped by circumstances which she cannot imagine that she helped to create.

Sally wanted her child, she assures me, and she loves her a lot, but the assumption that Sally could count on Rachael's father (Jon) has been shattered.

It's hard to release the expectation, even after years of disappointment. Sally's anger is enflamed regularly, since a mediated custody agreement requires that the child spend half the week with her father. Rachael loves her father and looks forward to seeing him, in spite of her mom's open disapproval of Jon's parenting style.

But Sally cannot bring herself to take any action in the service of her convictions, even over issues of Rachael's safety .She is afraid of Jon in the same way she was afraid of her own father. Each of these men emanates for Sally a sense of potential danger, and Sally is intimidated. Sally is the mother here, but she still feels like the scared child, who watched her own father get angry drunk.

Sally is stuck in the past and her resulting dilemna is emotional, painful and dangerous.

In the meantime, Rachael has begun to show signs of distress. She cries herself to sleep at night and refuses her mother's consolation. .

Stressed and working overtime, Sally has little left for her daughter these days. But if she denies Jon contact with the child, Rachael suffers further loss of time with a parent, and Sally is altogether too anxious to attempt negotiation with Jon.

When Sally comes to see me, she is already coping with major anxiety. Meditation and stress reduction serve to provide crisis intervention, but Sally needs to become aware of the ways in which she has paralyzed herself with fear and confusion, putting her child and herself at risk.

Children are the bellwether of parenting and Rachael has already begun to manifest behaviors which demand attention and illuminate the dysfunctional family pattern. .

Life is not always fair - resentment aside, Sally's self respect and love for her child demands that she transcend the victim pattern.

Sally will find the path out of the woods as she disentangles herself from her past, where a child's fear, however valid and poignant has been dictating her choices as an adult.

Too many adult children carry with them the painful stories of how a mother didn't rescue them from abuse. Sally must not become one of those scared mothers who look away, mothers who are too afraid.

Dysfunctional families often span generations, with damaged parents unwittingly passing on a legacy of pain. Breaking the cycle takes a deliberate effort to raise ones awareness and release denial.

Overcoming Sally's fear will be the challenge of her lifetime, but in therapy, she will heal, get clear and grow strong enough to alter her view of herself, and her possibilities.

She will reframe the problem and become a part of the solution.

Elaine Z Mosher PhD

Cases in Point: Archive