People often attract others with the same level of willingness for intimacy. Their styles may be so different as to disguise this truth for a period of time. One may push while the other pulls, but the relationship never goes beyond a certain point.

Analysts speak of people re-enacting the original family drama, in the hope of having it come out right at last. When this happens, the ghosts of childhood often act out in a way that sabotages the present.

When Ingrid met Carl, it was a mild day in autumn, the chill in the air sending her to a nearby coffee shop.

The man on line behind her was good-looking in a formal way, standing out in the casual setting. She observed to herself that he was staring at her and she paid attention to not noticing.

When he asked if he could join her at the table for two, she hesitated and said, "Sure, why not." The conversation became typical of light flirtations, awkward and pleasant at the same time.

Ingrid, being the forthcoming person she is, found herself chatting away about her new apartment, the stress of moving and adjustment to the new neighborhood.

Carl was fixated on her looks; she could see him looking past her conversation at her long dark hair.

He volunteered all too soon, that he had resources and would be glad to be of help. Ingrid noted the warning sign, but her need for support prevailed, and she found herself letting him know more about how rough things had been for her.

They met again the next day for lunch. Carl, driving up in an expensive car, reaffirming that he was a person of some importance in the world and that money was available.

Ingrid, ignoring the obvious, found herself hoping that this was indeed Prince Charming. Carl had found a damsel to rescue and Ingrid had found another mountain to climb.

The relationship moved quickly; they were seeing each other often and talking on the phone daily. Ingrid was excited but very anxious.

She had tucked away all the signals that would cause her to slow down and evaluate, and there were increasing signs that Carl was not a simple man.

The Man

The family was first generation immigrant, living in New England. They made little of their origins, hoping to pass, and glad to be free from prejudice. They were silently escaping their tribal history, and they were simultaneously withholding authenticity and a rich tapestry of identity from their children.

Carl came away with a sense of emptiness, and more than a touch of paranoia.

Yet Carl had made a great success of his work life. Although blessed with a good intellect, he lacked the emotional stamina to tolerate an intimate relationship. Unexpected travel with complex itineraries gave him the space he needed to keep his anxiety over intimacy in check, and this drove Ingrid to distraction.

Carl assured Ingrid that this relationship was serious for him, that it was monogamous, and that he wanted to marry her. But his behavior regularly contradicted him.

The crazy making was never quite balanced by the increasing financial support Carl offered her to overlook his eccentricities.

Ingrid had unconsciously chosen a man who would reenact her father's negation of her. She had manifested an experience, however painful, to complete the unfinished business with her past.

What had attracted these two was familiarity. Each could see in the other someone whose essence they recognized. Wounded children, drawn to balance each other's emptiness, do not make viable adult partners.

Sometimes the only way off the mountain is to stop climbing. The mountain of learning to tolerate intimacy could never be traversed without trust, and until her own healing was sufficient enough to attract a trustworthy man.

Ingrid would reject the game, but not quickly or easily. She would cut her losses and count the episode as an opportunity from which to grow past the search for a good father. Next time, she would not send out the signal to be rescued.

Elaine Z Mosher PhD

The cases in point which appear in this column do not represent any particular individual or couple, but are a composite representation of people with relevant life issues. Similarities with actual people are coincidental.

©1999 Elaine Mosher

Cases in Point: Archive