I pursue the obvious and question whether she was more interested in sex before the twins arrival - is this a normal hormonal event, a quite commonplace post-partum reaction?

But Lara tells me that a low sex drive has been with her for a long time.

I store my curiosity, as Lara reveals something of her background. She comes from a "broken home", her father being the alcoholic and emotionally distant parent, who left the family when she was twelve. Painful emotion is evident as she talks. I wonder whether this is the source of distrust of men and sexuality.

Lara is very attached to her mother, who lives in the South. She confides that she speaks with her on the phone daily, feeling closer to her mother than to her husband.

Lara's problem is the need to preserve the marriage, which she senses may be at risk, the lack of interest in sex being symptomatic.

Gradually Lara talks, somewhat reticently, about the marriage. She speaks of being aware of withholding and it becomes clear that she is angry at her husband.

Lara and Mike live as a married couple, but Mike maintains financial separateness, making unilateral decisions about how money is allocated and spent.

When they married, Mike came into the relationship with more assets than Lara. They've kept their monies separate ever since, with Lara buying into the idea that she owes her husband, is an unequal partner and must work hard to catch up.

When Mike joins us in a couple session, he makes it very clear that he's here on Lara's behalf and yes, to benefit the marriage, but the strong implication is that he is faultless.

The development of rapport and a sense of safety allows Mike to reveal his powerful need to control all things in his life, his wife and marriage included. He talks rapidly about his own dysfunctional family of origin - how his openly abusive father left him with no sense of self-worth and how his mother created multiple marriages in the years that followed.

Mike is scared. He's never seen "love" work. Sex burned hot and, when it faltered, his previous relationships dissolved; so he decided to sacrifice sex for a good partner in life. He'd do without passion; perhaps he didn't deserve it.

Lara and Mike connected, each from their own private wounds, deriving from unresolved family of origin pain.

Lara withholds sex from Mike and Mike withholds financial equity from Lara.

The need for separateness here comes, as usual, from fear - fear of loss, fear of being abandoned. In case they split, Mike will at least have a nest egg and Lara will have kept her heart safe. Fear of the ultimate adverse consequence now hinders the possibility of real bonding.

Mike wanted a business partner in life, thinking he could bypass the personal risk, and Lara unwittingly drew a similar contract. Now, with new babies in tow and 6 years in the bank, they have a major investment at stake, one which will require taking a plunge into trust, sharing and equity, both emotional and financial.

Lara confides that the debt to Mike keeps her from opening up further to him and Mike holds on to the debt like a safety net.

Our work together will involve their learning to let go and fly without that net.

Getting married is not the same as being married.

Elaine Z Mosher, PhD

The cases in point which appear in this column do not represent any particular individual or couple, but are a composite representation of people with relevant life issues. Similarities with actual people are coincidental.

©1999 Elaine Mosher

Cases in Point: Archive