A delay in "getting it" often brings up a bundle of anger and resentment.

We use power plays instead of asking for what we want directly; often when we instinctively know that what we want may not be in the other's best interest.

It's a troublesome style; nobody likes to be manipulated.

Case in Point

She is accepting and eager to please and to cooperate. But Joan doesn't get what she deserves at work or in her personal life, not because she is too good a person, but because she has refused to become a conscious player.

Like most of us, she doesn't like to see life as a game. And to the extent that it might be, she doesn't know the rules.

She is earnest and forthright, but she continues to feel helpless with her various employers as she does at times in her personal relationships.

Joan wishes that others functioned like she does. In spite of much evidence to the contrary, she has found it very difficult to recognize - let alone confront - the power play.

Recently, after a build up of unmanageable frustration, Joan has had to acknowledge that she and her boss, Gloria, have been at cross purposes.

Wanting to be cooperative Joan believed that by saying yes to whatever was asked, she became a valued person. She confused a valued person with a valued employee.

Feeling one's value can only come from within, Joan diligently kept trying to find her self-worth by working longer and harder and taking on other people's tasks as well.

Joan's boss, on the other hand, had her own agenda. She wanted as much from Joan as Joan would give, at the lowest cost. She too wanted good value, and she had learned to spot the cooperator in Joan.

Now, Gloria is probably not a bad person; it's just that Gloria is a conscious manipulator, and, until now, Joan has been defenseless.

Manipulation has a negative connotation - but everyone does his or her best to get what they need.

The problem comes when we don't know there is a dynamic at work.

The game isn't fair when only one player knows the rules. Joan is learning the rules.

What's blocked her awareness has been her reluctance to confront. She has always known something was going on, felt "sinned against".

Like many women, she told herself that it was against her nature to be aggressive. All the women in her family were gentle, but the real problem has been a self -esteem issue.

How do you convince yourself that you are deserving of respect when you don't give respect to yourself? How many occasions would have to go down to create a bold enough pattern of behavior to bring Joan to the point of being proactive on her own behalf?

When her physical health began to suffer under the stress, we knew the crisis had been reached. Change in behavior was now essential to life.

Joan had avoided confrontation because she feared anger, her own and others. For a long time, she denied that she felt anger. Getting in touch with that energy and naming it was essential to her rescue.

When Gloria asked Joan to hold the fort during the busiest week of the year, while she went off on a vacation to Europe, Joan knew her time had come to stand up.

She felt the full power of her anger and found herself at a turning point.

The job of a cooperator like Joan is to identify and spot power plays and to deflect them with a clear statement of what one is or is not willing to do. This safeguards one's boundaries as well as modeling an alternative style for the manipulator.

Now Joan is beyond being a passive recipient of power plays; she can consciously affect more cooperative and fair behavior in others.

As a person who is skilled, she will sense a manipulator's purpose and block the move. Being skilled and observant comes with a heightened sense of awareness.

In the last analysis, fear or not, self-respect demands that we must stand up and block manipulation. But the final challenge comes with finding a creative solution that does not compromise our values.

Turning into a master manipulator is not the goal. The goal is turning the master manipulator around.

The reward is feeling one's personal power.

Elaine Z Mosher PhD

The cases in point which appear in this column do not represent any particular individual or couple, but are a composite representation of people with relevant life issues. Similarities with actual people are coincidental.

©1999 Elaine Mosher

Cases in Point: Archive