"Reality is perception. What we see is what we get. Altering that perception shifts the view and changes our lives..." Cases In Point Current Issue Previous Issues Subscribe Background Approach Fee Schedule Types of Consultation Confidentiality Contact Home Discussion Lists abracadabraSolutions aboutDreams aboutAnxiety

Family Reunions Holidays are coming. The big get-togethers are being planned, even as we speak. Some of you are not thrilled. A client recently confessed that the only thing worse than holiday with family, is holiday without them. Why do we continue to have such conflicting feelings about those family occasions, the holidays in particular? Families are a puzzle, mysterious entities. In spite of the fact that we know these people intimately and can predict almost every response, there persists the surprise of that visceral reaction to the same old familiar stuff. How come you haven't learned to gloss it off, to chuckle softly to yourself, "that's my dad, same old dad." Surely you can transcend the familial prejudices, attitudes and closed mindedness. You're all grown up now and have a high functioning life. What's so hard about just accepting them, embracing them even? After all they are the family that launched you into the world. You have had a lifetime to get used to the ways in which they bruise your sensitivities and yet their capacity to cause distress remains potent. You thought you had reconciled the differences. You thought you had come to terms with your choices, and yet its clear when you get together, that the single thing you want the most is still their approval. You want "it" to turn out right this time, to be washed over in the feeling of being appreciated and loved for just who you are. In truth, you even crave a bit of adoration. This in spite of a world view and life choices you've made often in direct conflict with theirs. Somehow the child in you demands, as children do, the impossible. Reunited with them, you become aware of the aching neediness of that child within disguised as the adult you appear to be. Take heart, you are not alone. The best of us recognize this scenario all too well. Case in Point Simone goes to visit her family of origin every Thanksgiving. She is drawn back to London by the bond that defines her relationship with them. They keep up to date with phone calls, but the need to press the flesh prevails. The parents are getting old now and there is always the fear of loss, loss before she can say whatever; she isn't sure. Something pulls her back; an incompleteness. She wishes she could resolve the anger that still resides in her belly. She hopes for something that might be said to wipe away the pain. Is there always this unfinished business in families, or is it only the mystery of time passing and people changing and yet somehow still the same? Simone is the child of her parent's youth, sealing her mother's fate in an unsuitable marriage; a defining moment for both of them. Perhaps if she had been born a boy, the relationship would have easier. First-born boys were considered the prize. Still she knows they love her, and she them. What does that really mean? Why even now, does she still feel the pangs of being an outsider among them? Don't people ever get over not being the wanted child? The need to get past all this is more powerful this year. They may not be around next Thanksgiving. Next week: Bridging the Gap Elaine Z Mosher PhD The cases in point which appear in this column do not represent any particular individual or couple, but are a composite representation of people with relevant life issues. Similarities with actual people are coincidental. ©1999 Elaine Mosher Cases in Point: Archive Home || Contact Background ||  Fee Schedule Types of Consultation ||  Confidentiality Approach

Site contents © 1999
E&F Mosher

Site Design:
John Blower/FeNiKs