She has a presence in the room - tall and commanding. Sonya has come to therapy as a court of last resort. She is a talented and successful executive, but she tells me that she has had no luck with raising kids.

Sonya admits openly to her controlling nature, for which she partially blames the fleeing of her eldest daughter at age 17.

The girl ran off with a young musician and now her younger sister at age 15 is showing signs that she may take a similar route.

Sonya is beside herself. She announces that her family is dysfunctional - a middle class term defined by kids who act out a family drama, disguising a dynamic that has disallowed honesty, regular communication and the trust that allows real intimacy.

Sonya and her husband never meant for things to go awry. They are good people with good intentions. Nevertheless their marriage holds the root cause of the problem.

Sonya married a very nice but passive man who let her run the show at home.

Henry has been the breadwinner and silent partner in parenting. He's been afraid of Sonya's emotional outbursts and the way she "ragged on" whoever didn't do it her way.

The trouble came when he allied with his daughters against Sonya in a not-so-subtle way of getting back at her. Would that he could have dealt with her up front; but that's water under the bridge now.

His behavior of choice, of course, left Sonya feeling alienated and furious. But worst of all Henry inadvertently set up his daughters against their mother with all the accompanying guilt.

The problems in the family are complex but what must be addressed first is the young 15-year-old Jena.

Can we intervene in time to keep her from dropping out of school and leaving home? Can this family rally to prevent losing a second child to their dysfunctional dynamics?

I've met with Sonya several times when we decide on a family session, including Jena. The following week Jena arrives sullenly with her parents.

She keeps her eyes downcast at first and taps the table next to her with long blue fingernails. She's present because her use of the car has been made contingent on her attendance of this session

Henry is nervous and uncomfortable but hopeful, convinced that saving Jena is worth the effort. He sits close to his wife but is quick to tell me that she issues ultimatums and reneges.

"The girls never got consequences" he announces.

The rules are simple. Everyone gets to talk without interruption. I create an environment that is a safe place for feelings to be expressed.

Each member of the family is encouraged to open remarks with an "I" statement to avoid accusations. This will not be a blaming game.

Getting people to own their own feelings is a difficult beginning, but the beginning of disassembling what's dysfunctional here. Now each of these three people gets to speak as an individual. After 90 minutes, everyone agrees to return for a second round.

In the interim, I suggest that Henry and Sonya make an appointment to discuss the state of their relationship. Jena is happy for this. She confesses that feeling a traitor to her Mom is one reason she has wanted to leave home.

The process is underway. Each member of the family may need some individual work, but the family has decided to make the effort. There is much at stake but the sense is that Jena may be spared the fate of her older sister as we reorganize to make her family work.

A functional family is one where individuals feel understood, respected and heard; where family decisions are discussed and everyone's input is taken into account.

Functional families are families who take the time to talk and know how to listen.

Elaine Z Mosher PhD

The cases in point which appear in this column do not represent any particular individual or couple, but are a composite representation of people with relevant life issues. Similarities with actual people are coincidental.

©1999 Elaine Mosher

Cases in Point: Archive