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Elaine Mosher, PhD |
Truth and ConsequencesThe character of public and private behavior
The truth isn't all it's cracked up to be.
It's hard to tell, because the results are often punitive.
It's hard to come by the truth, except in the safest milieu,
for who ever knows for certain when a trusted whoever may turn
traitor. Lying comes from a history of punishment and betrayal.
To make matters more complex, good character is defined in terms of
truth telling. A person of character is one you can trust - is
trustworthy and tells the truth.
By this definition, good characters may be few and far between...
To begin with, the paradox of human nature is not easily struck in
black and white. Everyone lies, sometimes overtly or by simply not
saying. Often we lie to ourselves to avoid a social dilemma.
In fact, we know that honesty is specific. People are most likely to
lie when they perceive their conduct as not meeting some social
standard.
But public standards defy human nature as we experience it. They
are idealistic at best and hypocritical at worst. Standards are not
kept strong through punishment - note the increase in number and size
of the jails we build.
Morality is a matter of conscience, interjected from the culture and
most particularly from the family. A kind and forgiving childhood is
more likely to produce truth telling than the buckle or the strap.
Families provide the infrastructure of moral character and truth
telling is at its base. Raising our children to be willing to tell us
the truth means that we value that truth above the mistakes in
judgement they make and the inconvenience those mistakes may cause us.
The trick, of course, is providing consequences for the mistake,
but never punishment for the truth.
"Ah, there's the rub."
It's true, parenting is the ultimate challenge.
Sometimes the best truth we can tell is one that is kind and
compassionate to human frailty.
In the last analysis, truth is in one's perception of any given
experience and exists in that moment. It can and does change with a
shift in perspective or a fresh experience that alters context. What
truth was, is often a memory altered by time and storytelling that
supports a particular view of the self.
Does all this mean that a downright lie is a signal that the liar is
a liar forever and in all circumstances? I think not. After all,
only the simplest among us never disguise their motives.
The closer we can make public and private conduct congruent with,
and sympathetic to, human nature, the healthier we will be as
individuals and as a society.
Big dark secrets and little white lies have one thing is common -
they are rooted in fear.
Elaine Z Mosher PhD
The cases in point which appear in this column do
not represent any particular individual or couple, but are a
composite representation of people with relevant life issues.
Similarities with actual people are coincidental.
©1999 Elaine Mosher
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