But a good many of us feel dropped into a no-fit situation sensing very early a lack of connection, compatibility or even welcome. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong sex - some babies arrive unwanted.

Some get the unspoken message - be different than you are; some get the most devastating message of all - don't be.

For those the tendency toward flight is strong. They scheme in the mind to leave as soon as possible - to find a place, somewhere out there that will feel safe and welcome. Somewhere that feels like home.

Case in Point: Ingrid - A Journey in Search of Home

She wore loose overalls and carried a leather backpack, large and heavy enough to contain all of her life's essentials. She appeared to be in flight - en route, having stopped only to catch her breath and regroup.

Ingrid spoke rapidly like a train, endlessly in a hurry to move on, yet hopelessly out of control; as though to stop must avoided at all cost. She had been running since she was 17. She was now 31.

There are those who travel and those who are on the run. Ingrid was a runner. She talked and I listened.

Born in a small southern town to parents who married because they had conceived her, she felt all her life that her very existence had sealed her mother's fate; the fate of marriage to someone not loved and to motherhood unwanted. She saw herself as an intruder in her mother's life and in secret alliance with her father from the onset.

Ingrid described herself as "an intruding entity", always somehow knowing she was not welcome. No wonder she talked so fast - so incessantly, fearing the door might be shut or she cast out before being fully heard.

She was like a soul who sneaked into being. Never feeling she belonged or was understood, Ingrid became the acting-out child, the odd one, the family patient - the "sick thing", cast out, set on the run so the family could retain its pretense of normalcy.

Ingrid was burdened by overwhelming self-doubt and guilt: guilt that she stole the love of her father, guilt at trapping her mother and robbing her simultaneously.

Ingrid's father, unloved by his wife was quick to bond with his young daughter. They needed each other and became fast friends, taking comfort in each other's company.

But, predictably, something happened that confused and damaged this relationship. The details remain unclear; imaginings, vague sensations. But enough to supply the foundation for betrayal .

To her good fortune, this young woman is personally strong, physically attractive and very intelligent, and she is uncommonly available to work at deep levels in therapy.

There is much to work on and a relationship to build between us based on trust. In spite of her good looks, Ingrid sees herself as ugly, losing out to other women in her current life. Her perception of herself is grossly distorted by her childhood experience. She sees women with disdain and men as abusive.

Lost and confused, she has frequent panic attacks and is unable to find a place or a way to be in the world.

In the final analysis, our work together must bring Ingrid home to herself.

Elaine Z Mosher PhD

The cases in point which appear in this column do not represent any particular individual or couple, but are a composite representation of people with relevant life issues. Similarities with actual people are coincidental.

©1999 Elaine Mosher

Cases in Point: Archive